TeamZami

After reading The Mixquiahuala Letters by Ana Castillo, I thought about how I have internalized oppression within myself. It is not a question I'm unfamiliar with having grown up as an immigrant, ethnic minority, and non-heteronormative female. However, how deeply have I truly pondered on this question for myself? I figure it's high time that I confront certain behaviors and attitudes that I carry in life, especially as a soon to be gender studies graduate. In the book, even though Teresa does not speak directly about lesbianism, the content of the letters is still presented with a lesbian narrative because of the social restrictions she faces in professing her love for Alicia due to patriarchal and sexist environments. Her culture demands that her virtues as a woman are virginity, submission to men, tolerance for pain, and childbirth. Living in a society that places these kinds of expectations on women prevent them from expressing, enjoying, and recognizing their sexuality and also renders female to female love as taboo and incomprehensible because it conflicts with the patriarchal definition of womanhood. Like Teresa, I cannot fully be open about my sexuality in certain situations in which deviating from the norm would cause me significant conflict. I have been in relationships with Latin men and my queer sexuality was completely hidden from the members of my partner's family because they would not approve of me if they knew. I have also had to keep secrets from my own family members of relationships I have had with women because I feared that they would attack my female partners verbally and emotionally. Also, if my mother knew about me taking LGBT courses at UCLA she would refuse to pay for my tuition. So even though I profess equality for all and tell people to be out, open, and proud about their sexual orientation, I still choose to hide this essential part of myself depending on the convenience of the situation. How do I battle this hypocrisy? I also often feel left out in the LGBTQ community whenever I'm monogamously dating a heterosexual man. It's as if I'm viewed as having "betrayed" my sexuality or even worse people think that I'm only pretending to love women periodically to get attention from straight men who think that bisexual females are a hot commodity.